Anxiety Diaries: 01
I started this blog because of my Anxiety.
I struggle to eloquently write about my anxiety disorder. There’s no real gentle way to explain it without downplaying it or making it sound like it’s comparable to a terminal illness. I hate it. I hate that I put these judgments upon myself. But it’s something I live with daily and I feel in limbo with it. It’s never severe enough. But it’s not easy enough for me to control either. Am I just weak?
Weak. Always weak.
Btw, I have over 200 pictures of just my boring, dirty, uninteresting windows. I don’t take them because I think dirty ass windows are some work of art. I take them because I genuinely find it therapeutic to look at. There’s something somber and peaceful looking at my windows, especially when it rains or when it’s cloudy. I think it’s relaxing to look at, but at the same time, it’s kinda sad. I feel confined to my bed sometimes. This is the only thing I see a lot of.
Have you ever looked at a photo of a really dark staircase, going downwards? You know there’s an unsettling feeling there. That’s anxiety. That’s “normal” in a sense. Photographs shrouded in darkness are jarring to look at. It gives you a sense of uneasiness and horror. What if it was a video footage? It’s still jarring but now you’re slightly more anxious. Why? Because you know it’s a video and you expect movement. At some point, you might feel like something might pop out and jump scare you. If that kind of thing makes you anxious thinking about it, then most likely you would close the video.
I get those moments, but I can’t exactly close the video.
I always get asked what triggers the anxiety attacks. Nothing really. Sometimes I’m just sitting on the couch enjoying a snack and bam, out of nowhere I start feeling this jarring impending doom feeling. It’s so irrational and yet in the moment, it feels like the world is crashing down. And that’s the worst part — being self aware. I’m so aware that it’s irrational that it makes me feel insane. I know I’m not crazy…but why does it feel like I’m losing it? What if I actually do go insane?
There are times I can control it really well. I can ground myself. I use all of the techniques I’ve been taught in therapy and sometimes they work. The tricky part is when I start to associate the anxiety with my health. I start panic checking my heart rate and my blood glucose levels, and most of the time, my blood sugar levels do elevate. That’s because your adrenaline can elevate your numbers. Same with your heart rate. I swear, this Apple Watch ECG reader has become a blessing and a curse. I feel like I’ve become really OCD and dependent on the readings, but it’s helped me to remember to breathe. I play this little game with it where I try to steady my breathing to bring down the numbers. It doesn’t always work.
When the anxiety comes, it can feel like everything bad in the world is about to happen to you at any second. I just try to live a normal, boring little life and my brain won’t allow it. I consider myself sort of a natural happy-go-lucky person so most of the time I make jokes and laugh at things to cope. Deep down, it really tears down who I am. It makes me feel like a hollow husk. And as I get older, I feel like it won’t get better.
Anyway…
Here’s a video of Mr Krabs playing the world’s smallest violin to emphasize my sadness and offset how depressing this post is.